Who would have thought ME of all people would be blogging about “Single Life?” I say this because I am always the girl in a relationship. Actually, let me clarify, I am always the girl in a Long Term Relationship. This however changed over the last 2 years with two relationships (or lack thereof) with two different women that loved being with me, but didn’t want to commit. One of which I am actually great friends with now and the most recent, well, I left her after realizing that a year had gone by and I was further behind with her than I was when we met. So, you may be asking yourself, “What could she possible know about being single when she has only been single for about 8 months in her last 35 years of life?” Well, I don’t claim to know it all, that is for sure, but what I do know is that I have been in enough relationships and felt enough heartache to understand relationships and their demise… enough to know being single would have been easier. I also know how good being single feels after the heartache subsides, even if only for a few months. I think experience either way, leads to knowledge surrounding it so here goes.
What I do know…About Relationships
Let’s start with what I do know and we are going to do this in reverse by discussing what I have found with regard to being in relationships, especially unhealthy ones where you are not appreciated, then moving into what I know about single life and the freeing feeling contained within.
- Relationships can be taxing (emotionally): Worrying about them, their actions, their thoughts, and arguments that will inevitably happen. They can keep you up all night or wake you in the middle of the night with stress, fear, and anxiety.
- Relationships take away your free time: You tend to spend more time doing the things your partner wants to do and ignoring the things you want/need to get done. It’s just a fact, your free time is lessened. You focus on their needs before your own. Your needs will become second in line.
- Relationships cost money: You tend to buy “little things” for that person more often, spend elaborately on holidays/birthdays, take them out to dinner, send them gift cards, make them things, take them on vacation getaways, etc.. This all costs money you could be saving, spending on yourself, or doing things for yourself.
- Relationships invade space: Your once cozy, spacious, bed is now taken by someone else and maybe even their dog. They snore (and dogs too) and keep you awake. They toss and turn and take the covers. If they have to get up early for work, you do too. If you live together they are always home, your alone time is minimized. You have less privacy. If they simply come to visit your life is uprooted until they leave. Very seldom are they focused on your needs when they come over.
- Relationships disappoint: You expect to be invited places, like out on their boat, but they invite others instead thinking you would understand. This also holds true with friend gatherings or hikes or whatever else you are not invited to. They think because they “have” you that they don’t need to do as much “with” you. A case you will never win. It ends up hurting your ego, mental health, and the relationship.
- Relationship loneliness: When you are with someone and feel just as alone as when you are not with them. They are constantly on their phone or watching tv when you are with them and not spending quality time with you. This is what I call “Aloneliness” as opposed to “togetherness”.
- Relationship turmoil: After you have been with someone for a while turmoil happens. Fights get bigger and more abrasive because you now know each other more intimately. Fighting happens~ “there is a reason hurricanes are named after people” (lifehack.com). This breaks down and destroys relationships and causes much anguish.
- Relationship Heartbreak: There is always that fear that being vulnerable and in love could lead to a break-up and heartache, which is a horrific thing to go through. Being in a relationship increases this risk. Nobody likes that feeling of waking up sick to your stomach after losing someone. When you are in a relationship this is always a possibility.
- Relationship Dead-End: This is the one where you fall in love with them and they don’t feel the same. You want to get married and they don’t. You want a bigger commitment and they refuse. Invested time that you can’t get back with no fairy tale ending in sight just the impending doom of either living with it their way or leaving and having to pick up the broken pieces of your heart.
I know this sounds horrible, and not all relationships are like this of course. I’m pointing out the worst to compare to being single. Why be lonely with someone, having to deal with their ugly ways, and crying every day when you can be alone by choice, cry a few days, get over it, and find new ways of being happy?
While good and healthy relationships are worth most of these things, because the duration is usually short lived, a toxic or unhealthy relationship with these things are exhausting physically, financially, and mentally. This type of relationship, once you finally leave, is why being single can be so alluring. Especially if you have been in a “Hurricane” relationship for a while. Here is my viewpoint and the viewpoint of my best friend and soul sister, Jennifer Somerville, who lives in Texas. We have spent many hours discussing these things in great length. While I have been in and out of relationships, she has been single and dating (without a commitment) for a while (completely by her choice). We have talked about her dates and my relationships and the horrors and successes within. This is what I know, when she is looking at the pro’s and con’s of getting back into a relationship, she says the men are great, but she just hasn’t met anyone that meets her at her level enough to take her off the market. So … staying single is her best option until that changes. I love that she knows her worth and refuses to settle for the mediocre that I talk about in several of my blogs. Doing things the way she does sure saves a lot of heartbreak and wasted time. Admirable to say the least. (Hi Jen!) So let’s break the stigma of being single.
Being Single: Stigma and Perspective
People are so afraid of being single. Partly because the stigma around being single means: Nobody wants you. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I am now single and I can think of several people that would love to date me (not at all being arrogant) and that is flattering to a point. The difference is that I am not ready to date. Two reasons: 1). I’m a hot mess. Full disclosure, not externally, but internally I need some time. Really, I just got out of something that will take some time to work through. There were a lot of elements to it that caused some deep seeded wounds that I need to take the time to heal. Getting with someone right now wouldn’t be fair to anyone involved, especially the other person. 2). I need to find me again. I am starting to finally recognize my worth and also see the person that I once was and I need to be a better version of that person before I decide to date. It is all about being healthy. 3). I want to see the world from a different perspective. I want to see if from a “Single” person’s perspective. I want to dive in and experience it all. Alone. Think, “Eat, Pray, Love” with Julia Roberts, full immersion.
We should embrace being single and own that status as something that is so powerful, because it means we refuse to settle for less than we deserve. We rise up for ourselves and then those that we choose to have in our lives at some point ,will need to rise up at or above that level. No more dumbing it down, no more walking on eggshells, and no more settling for mediocre! Here are some alluring factors of being single (besides the fact that single people are healthier….. and I am all about health and wellness):
15 things that are alluring about being single:
- More time to work on your self (physically, mentally, financially)
- Save Money
- Buy things for yourself
- More time with friends
- More quiet time doing hobbies you love
- Don’t have to answer to anyone
- No “Surface Level Time Wasting” texts to read
- Save gas by not having to drive to see them
- Happier mentally (especially if they were abusive)
- Option to talk to and date who ever you want
- Don’t have to share house/bed with anyone you don’t want
- Vacation where and when you want with whomever
- Better night sleep not worrying or stressing
- You get to choose (where to eat, sleep, shop, camp, etc)
- More time to focus on your career and 3-5 year plan without distraction
- BONUS! No more dealing with ghosting… if they ghost you, you don’t have to have further contact
Listen, I am not saying that relationships can’t be great. I know tons of people extremely happy in their relationships. There is an element of happiness to them, when they are good. My point in this blog is to awaken your senses to owning your single life and viewing it as a powerful status owned by you. That you don’t have to be in a relationship to be somebody. You define you. When someone asks you why you are single? Your answer should always be because you have high standards and don’t need a relationship so badly that you will just be with anyone. Standing alone and owning that shit will always look and feel better that sharing a life with someone that doesn’t value you or the relationship. So, stay single and enjoy every aspect it has to offer, or at least the 16 I have listed above. The right one will come along when you are open, willing, and ready. Until then, immerse yourself into a new discovery. You’ll never know the magnitude and fulfillment you will achieve venturing out on your own until you actually do it! Go get it, good luck… and